My story is not unique, and that is the sad truth. 

I grew up in a wealthy suburb of Chicago, where many families had originally come from humble beginnings. Over time, they built successful lives for themselves, and with that success came a deep sense of pride. Wanting to spare their children the hardships they once faced, they worked hard to provide a more comfortable life. Ironically, this desire to create a better life for their children resulted in just about the opposite. 

The pressure that came with living in this community was suffocating at times. Getting good grades, scoring high on the ACT, and getting into a top college was almost expected. And if you didn’t, you were looked down on and considered a disappointment. But being a quiet and accommodating daughter, I did whatever I had to do to make my parents proud. However, this lack of control over my life quickly turned into an eating disorder. 

I developed my eating disorder in my junior year of high school, right when I was making my decision on where I wanted to go to college. I was on the rowing team at that time and truly loved the team, the competitive nature, and being on the water every day. But suddenly, rowing went from my after-school activity with friends to the direct line to a college scholarship. At this point, my family no longer had the funds they once had, and the writing was on the wall — I needed a scholarship. My brother, whom I adored and looked up to, suggested going to the University of Texas at Austin, mostly because of the football. After he said that, I immediately reached out to their rowing team and was invited for an official visit. 

Being a creature of comfort, going on the visit to Texas was a lot. The school was massive, the temperature was hot, and it was all so unfamiliar. But wanting to make my family proud, I signed with a partial scholarship, and off to Austin I went. Upon getting to the school, I was informed that the coach I had signed with retired, and a new coach was coming in. This wasn’t just any coach – this guy was brought in to turn the team into the number one team in the country. Being already burnt out from the sport, this was not the news I wanted to hear. Wake ups at 4:00 am every day to run 4 miles and row for 2 hours before class. 2 hour mandatory study halls every day, afternoon weightlifting and/or rowing practice, eating as a team for every meal, regattas almost every weekend. If it wasn’t enough to move to another city, have no friends, and take on college courses, throwing in this full-time job took its toll on me. I spent almost every day of my freshman year suffering from different illnesses, simply because my body couldn’t keep up. I started gaining weight from the nonstop exercises, making food my only enjoyment. Once I noticed I was gaining weight, I decided to stop eating completely, and I tried to starve myself while taking on this sport — which wasn’t the best idea. I was crying nonstop. On the runs, in the boat, in my bed, between classes, in the library. It was embarrassing – but looking back at it now, it was a cry for help. One day, I couldn’t take it anymore and I took all the pills I had in my room and forced them down my throat. This wasn’t a life I wanted to live anymore. I felt like I couldn’t back out because I didn’t know if my family could afford the school without the scholarship, I didn’t want to be a quitter and let down my team, I didn’t know what to do, and I had no one to help me.

Fortunately, after 15 hours, I woke up…  I was in a great deal of stomach pain and was very mentally out of it, but I was alive. I booked a flight to go home and spend some time in a place that gives me comfort. Thankfully, my dad noticed I wasn’t doing well mentally and physically (my body had cuts all over from being malnourished, and since my immune system was so low, nothing could heal). He told me to leave the rowing team, that my health was far more important than the money. This decision saved my life. 

But it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies after leaving. Most of my teammates looked down on me and completely stopped talking to me. I had no friends and had to find my place in a school with 50,000 students, most of whom had found their friend groups at that point. My eating disorder kicked back into full swing, and I spent all my free time working out, and finding ways to eat as little as possible. My meals being 7 almonds, 3 pretzels, and a pack of gum. I lost about 40 pounds in 3 months and I was rail thin. The only thing that brought me joy was seeing the scale lower each day. My anxiety was so bad at this point, and my hunger pangs were so intense, that I had to take 5 sleeping pills just to be able to fall asleep for a few hours. And then I started drinking. I would go out 6 nights a week, blacking out every time, and then suffering from agonizing hangovers that lasted 24 hours — or until I started drinking again.

This behavior eventually led to an autoimmune disease called ‘Leaky Gut’ where my intestinal lining opened up, allowing toxins, bacteria, and undigested food particles to enter my bloodstream, which caused severe inflammation, constipation for 2 weeks at a time, bloating, stomach pain, and brain fog, fueling my depression and anxiety more than ever.

It wasn’t until I graduated and removed myself from that environment that I started slowly getting better.

• My mom sent me to a holistic doctor who helped me understand that the foods I was eating and the alcohol I was poisoning myself with were causing this horrible condition.
• I was back with my friend group from high school and felt I had a community again.
• I got a job which forced me to take a step back from partying and created more of a healthy routine.
• I met my boyfriend at the time who helped me get into weight lifting, helped me realize I don’t need to drink as much, and got me into other activities like golf and tennis, and over time I noticed my mental health was slowly improving.

But the anxiety was still there and I suffered from it for years — without even knowing it. 

Filling my life with activities that kept me busy just distracted me from my mental health. What really helped cure me of my depression and anxiety was my personal and spiritual journey. And as corny as that sounds, it works. When I started spending more time in nature, when I began to question my existence and my purpose for being here, when I started watching near-death experience (NDEs) videos, learning that Earth is a classroom, and we are here on Earth to love, give, and create. I finally felt peace within me that I’ve never felt before. My life wasn’t about me anymore; it was for others and to help others going through what I went through in college. 

So before you start taking SRIs or giving them to someone you know — answer these questions:

• What decisions in your life were made by other people?
• How would you create your life if you didn’t have any rules of our society or pressures from others impacting your decisions? 
• Is your environment making your depression worse?
• How have you changed yourself to fit in with the masses?
• When was the last time you went out in nature by yourself, no technology, and listened to the thoughts in your head?

I know depression feels like a hopeless pit and there’s no way out. But that is just our own minds keeping us down. Identifying the factors contributing to our sadness is the first step. And the second step is removing those factors. There is always another path you can take. Don’t listen to what the world tells you that you need to do or be.

Life can be whatever you want it to be. So pave your own path despite what people tell you, and remember, you are never alone. <3

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Ending with just a few of stats that blew my mind:

• 41% of college students report having depression.
• 29% of college students reported self-harm.
• Suicide is the #2 leading cause of death for college students.
• There are approximately 24,000 suicide attempts each year and 1,100 suicide fatalities on college campuses per year.

Maybe it’s time we rethink the educational system that we deem so prestigious and that we entrust with our children’s lives. We cannot continue on like this or the statistics will just continue to rise. Together, we can spread awareness of this issue and create new learning options for future generations without the pressures, cost, and corruption that the current system has in place.

Sources: Healthy Minds Network, 2022-23; Michigan Health and Counseling